The Long Haul by Dr. Juan Harrison
The Long Haul
Heard the other day that nationally the divorce rate is down, but it is going up for people over 50. Apparently one third of all divorces are in this category. Maybe this somewhat surprising information is that we have generally figured if a couple can make it 20-30 years through the hectic, penny-pinching years, then you were almost home free. You invested everything into marriage, family, and each other. Come empty nest time you expected to start getting some of those dividends back with more free time, settled careers, well established marital roles, and hopefully more available income to put on a boat, travel trailer, lake house or cabin, or just paying extra on any mortgages, car loans, or kids’ college loans. Can I hear a big “whew” at the prospect of being debt free with a little more available time and funds to travel a bit and reconnect as a couple.
So why are we finding older couples bucking a declining divorce rate. Maybe it’s the convergence of several factors that are putting pressure on and chipping away at the foundations of these marriages. Recent statistics show increases in numbers of people living together without being officially married. Some people might want to check out the latest modifications to state marital laws. In some states common law marriage rules kick in within 6 months. Any kind of utility bill or other piece of paper supporting an unmarried partner’s claim can burst the bubble of someone hoping to avoid financial responsibility if the partner wants to split. Unfortunately, they may want to take some financial benefit from the relationship as they walk out the door. Throw in changes in laws that place child support payments on unmarried spouses verified by DNA, and you’ve got something resembling the normal marriage/divorce/child support cycle we’re used to.
We often marry the first time when we’re cute and skinny with stars in our eyes and feelings flowing out of our fingertips. We fight through the really tough years, and if we’re lucky we end up with a quiet house and tuckered out residents. Maybe you get to smile at each other from your matching recliners as you sigh in unison, “We made it.”
Sometimes it’s simply growing apart as the empty nest echoes the silence accompanying a lack of communication. Maybe we forgot what attracted us to one another and made us smile. Maybe reality set in soon after “I do” as it became harder to be around the spouse as time passed by. Sometimes spouses are able to leave as they inherit funds or can support themselves as they climbed the ladder of success at work. Other times bad money habits, infidelity, and substance abuse can finally push a marriage over the cliff as spouses finally say they’ve had enough as they slam the door. Sometimes people reconsider. One poll said 45% of respondents regretted getting the divorce.
The Bible tells us to not be unequally yoked. Some people get yoked in a cloud of cuteness and ushy, gushy feelings. Sometimes starting that home out with a spiritual foundation can go a long way toward helping the marriage survive. We’re all humans and prone to mess up. Hopefully you’ve been able to find the key to avoiding divorce.
By Dr. Juan Harrison
