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What They Don’t Have by Dr. Juan Harrison

What They Don’t Have by Dr. Juan Harrison
  • PublishedJanuary 18, 2023


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One of my wife’s and my television favorites over the past 20 years is the long running British show Doc Martin.  Much of the story line revolves around the conflict between Doc and his girlfriend and eventual spouse Louisa.  Like oil and water, they love each other but don’t mix well.  He’s a brilliant OCD surgeon and GP whose blunt nature and inability to give or receive affection keeps him in conflict with everyone around, especially Louisa, who constantly corrects Doc while expecting him to show her affection.  Ain’t gonna happen.

As with Doc most people that have or don’t have particular personality traits, they’re not likely to change.  For every strength in our lives, we have a weakness.  For every character flaw, we have a strength.  The challenge for all of us is recognizing and accepting the shortcomings and idiosyncrasies in others and ourselves.  The frustration comes when we’re not able to accept people, including us, as we are but insist on trying to effect change or hope for it.  Most likely ain’t gonna happen.

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If you think about it, pretty much all the people we’ve known our entire lives are pretty much like they were as kids.  It’s like we’re hardwired almost from birth with DNA that pretty well determines what we’d be like as adults.  You go to a class reunion. At first you don’t recognize the bald headed overweight people, but soon you look into their eyes, watch their body language and soon it’s like you’re back in high school looking at them again.

Over the years I’ve talked to a number of people who grew up with cold unaffectionate parents like Ryan O’Neal’s father Ray Milland in the movie Love Story .  One lady in particular kept crying with frustration as she never understood her mother’s cold, almost mean and unfeeling attitude toward her while showing warmth to those not close to her.  Knowing what I know about the lady’s background, I finally told my friend, “She can’t give you what she doesn’t have.”  Long standing emotional issues my friend knew nothing about at the time blocked any kind of affection for her.  Eventually the friend discovered the issue in her mother’s life and finally had peace knowing it was nothing she had done or neglected.

The challenge for all of us when dealing with difficult people is to not take the coldness and rudeness personally.  As much as possible we have to accept what that person can give and overlook the rest.  We all have flaws, and all have gifts.  The trick is to recognize the strengths in ourselves and others and remember, people can’t give you what they don’t have.  Accept them as they are.

By Dr. Juan Harrison

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