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No Pants Needed Pizza

No Pants Needed Pizza
  • PublishedMay 19, 2022


 

Let’s talk about my addiction–or perhaps should I rephrase that statement and say, “Let’s talk about one of my many addictions.”

I am pizza guy.  I enjoy it all.  Some say pizza is like sex: even when it’s bad, it’s still good. Maybe I was motivated during the COVID year and the famous “One Bite Challenge” by Dave Portnoy of Barstool Sports, or maybe–just maybe–frozen pizzas  turn my buttons. DiGiorno Original Rising Crust Pepperoni

As a child, I would absolutely eat an entire Totino’s Party Pizza as an afternoon snack, hence my portly appearance and inability to run wind sprints in athletics, but I don’t regret the decisions I’ve made in regards to obsession with things I consume. 

Pizza is king. I want them all in or around my mouth; good pizza, whether it is a ten pound deep dish Chicago style pie, crispy thin crusted American bastardized restaurant chain pizza, or even the extra saucy hand-tossed Neapolitan. 

So over the past several weeks,  after staring longingly through the fogged freezer glass at the nearest Walmart, I made the decision to start trying them all. 

That’s were DiGiorno comes into this story.  I remember the commercials from the mid 90’s, and the cheesy line, “It’s not delivery, it’s DiGiorno.”  The big teethey smiles holding up puffy crusted slices of stringy melted mozzarella. Epic food porn commercials framed the money shot of the crust rising in the oven. DiGiorno Original Rising Crust Three Meat Pizza I’d sit in my living room, limp party pizza in my hand, and feel rather, how should I word this, pathetic. 

Like many things in my childhood, there were certain food items we weren’t allowed to get at the store.  Hell, I am positive the party pizzas were four for a dollar and pizza from a restaurant meant the Tuesday night buffet at the local Pizza Inn.  I digress.  

I have been sharing my frozen pizza journey sporadically and was recently contacted by DiGiorno in regards to a picture of their pizza I had posted on my Instagram account.  For those that are unaware, I am super famous and have an enormous following and my influencer status is unprecedented, in so far as DiGiorno sent me a couple pizzas to enjoy, and I have decided to write about them. 

(Just to be clear, I am not paid by DiGiorno). But I did eat the hell out of those pies, and decided I would share with you my favorites and what makes them vastly superior to a significant portion of the other frozen pizzas I have tasted. So let’s start with my least favorite and work our way up to my recommended DiGiorno.

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DiGiorno Three Meat with Cheese Stuffed Crust

DiGiorno Three Meat Cheese Stuffed Crust PizzaRounding the track and coming in last of this race is Three Meat with Cheese Stuffed Crust.  I want to preface this by saying, I have never been a fan of stuffed crust.  It could be repressed childhood memories of gross Pizza Hut stuffed crust pizza, but I have never had a stuffed crust pizza that tickled my fancy.  This pizza was no different. 

However, I am a fan of three meats, and the three meats on the pizza weren’t any different than the Original Rising Crust DiGiorno you will find later down this piece. Something about this pizza didn’t taste quite as delicious as the others. The crust didn’t develop that golden brown crunchiness, and for a crust aficionado, that set the stage for just a mediocre slice of pizza. Cheese, sauce, topping aside… without the solid foundation of a tasty crust, this one finishes last.  

DiGiorno Four Cheese Croissant Crust Pizza

DiGiorno Four Cheese Croissant Crust

Coming in way ahead of the Cheese Stuffed Crust is the  Croissant Crust concoction that was quite tasty.  Same sauce as the other pizzas I tried, but the mixture of mozzarella, Asiago, Parmesan, and Romano cheeses blended well.  The flaky layers of buttery crust wasn’t quite as airy as I desired, but I accept that my oven can be temperamental.  Overall, I like the cheese blend the most.  As a side note, I am very interested in the line of Breakfast Croissant Pizzas that DiGiorno offers.  No pressure DiGiorno, but you have my mailing address.  Honestly, I am thinking about trying this one again, cooked on the Weber Kettle in the backyard.  

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DiGiorno Original Rising CrustDiGiorno Original Rising Crust Three Meat Pizza

Hands down, the Original Rising Crust is currently my favorite frozen pizza available in my hometown.  I have enjoyed the classic pepperoni, supreme, and four cheese.  It’s touted as having California vine-ripened tomatoes, real mozzarella, and preservative free crust. I believe every word.  Why? you might ask? Because it’s that good in my mouth.

The pizza is crispy on the outside and soft and tender on the inside. The toppings are the right amount of sauce, cheese, and goodies.  The little cheese crunchy crispies that happen on the crust in the oven are a fine delicacy that goes unnoticed by many– but not this guy.  It’s big. It’s juicy.  It’s fresh baked in my home, and I didn’t have to put on pants to greet a delivery driver.

Because it’s not delivery, it’s DiGiorno.  

For more food adventures see HERE or follow Tableleaf Supper Club 

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Speaking of food porn… here’s some tasty shots for ya

 



Written By
Logan Vaughan